It took me eight attempts to write a decent sentence to start this paragraph out. During those attempts, I had so many things considered in a fraction of a second while simultaneously typing and then hitting the backspace button. My brain is exploding with voices and criticisms that is stopping me from performing a simple task – writing. So then I said “WTH, I’m just gonna write this thing down and end this annoying feeling of staring at nothingness.”
And now, I’m on my second paragraph. Awesome.
The past couple of weeks has been depressing. I have been suffering from a drought of ideas – a “constipation of creativity” that is blocking my capacity to express myself through familiar media – painting and writing. I haven’t written anything since then, even on my journals, on my laptop, and I haven’t painted anything that made me feel excited.
But even if I did start to write or paint something, it would eventually end up unfinished.
“Shoot. I’m losing it.”
There were just some days that I would look down on myself with disappointment. I would feel dry, lost, blank, empty, useless, uninspired to do anything. The worst part is the exponential growth of that blue feeling – minutes turn to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years…and who knows? Years to decades and then decades to centuries! But I hope it would not last that long.
Creativity is the currency that I am fighting for in this life that I chose, the path that I decided to pursue. Losing it is relatively easy but finding is like searching for a coconut tree at the peak of Mt. Everest.
Sometimes it is very easy to get inspired. I would get my backpack and go somewhere to clear my head – perhaps sip a tropical drink and count the crashing waves ashore. It was that easy before. But constant traveling became too “usual” that I did not feel anything special about it. It did not matter where I went because it would be the same feeling – places that were exceedingly beautiful and interestingly happy individuals.
It did not grow on me – those places. I thought I’d finally say goodbye to this realm I was living in and go back to a 9-5 job even though I never want that to happen to me.
Fortunately, I was able to … I only had a realization after a recent trip to the highlands of a very remote community that all I needed was a long break from everything in order to regain the “creativity” that was lost. I needed a break from the day-to-day mental activity of churning out ideas.
That “break” I was looking for turned into a void that needed filling. When there was nothing, I had the urge to create something. Then it hit me hard on the head: “Creativity starts off with a blank sheet.” It simply depends on how you’d be able to approach it. Sometimes it needs time to put it all back together. But it’s there. It’s finally there.
Being dormant on the creative aspect does not mean being a failure. It just means that your brain needs rest. Sometimes it would take a lot of time and sometimes it doesn’t take that much. But it does need rest, it has to rest. If our bodies had a reset button, that would be the time to actually push it for a fresh start.
Voila! The Blank Page Syndrome is cured by mere nothingness.